Welcome to Edition #35 of Ask Gorick Anything. This AMA is part of Gorick's Newsletter, where Harvard career advisor and Wall Street Journal bestselling author Gorick Ng shares what they don't teach you in school about how to succeed in your career.
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→ Read time: 6 min
ASK GORICK ANYTHING
“How to mend a burnt bridge?”
Have a career question? Ask me here.
Subscriber’s question:
“Hey Gorick !
My name is Richard. We met when you spoke at Georgia Tech, and ahhh I am glad our paths crossed. I ended up getting that scholarship for my abroad program!
I wanted to ask your advice on, “How do you go about mending burned bridges?”
I did a co-op at [removed] and received a return offer. I tried negotiating using an offer from a startup, but the conversation didn't go well and they ended up rescinding the offer.
I'm now at a competitor, but I'd like to reach back out to my old manager and rebuild that relationship.
Yeah so.. any advice on how to navigate this would mean a lot. Thanks man.”
—Richard P. from Dallas, Texas, USA
Gorick’s response:
Hey Richard,
I totally remember you! Thanks for the fun conversation after my keynote and huge congrats on the scholarship and job offers.
Ouch: I’m sorry to hear that your job offer got rescinded. This is actually not the first time I’ve seen this happen. A friend of mine similarly tried to negotiate their job offer—only for the company to pull their job offer altogether.
What was he told?
“Sorry, but I don’t think we’re a culture fit.”
The translation?
“We tried to tell you gently that [our salary band is fixed / this is the best we can do], but you kept pushing. Your behavior now makes us question whether you’d be able to pick up on subtleties in the workplace and your fixation on money makes us question whether you’d just quit on us the minute you’re offered a higher-paying job elsewhere.”
In other words?
“We thought we could trust your Three C’s (defined here!), but we’re not so sure anymore and don’t want to take the risk.”
I therefore have both bad news and good news.
The bad news?
Your every move will be scrutinized even more.
When it comes to your Competence, your former manager may wonder, Wow, wait a second… Why are you trying to come back? Are you being pushed out—in which case you just confirmed my suspicions that there’s something wrong with you?
When it comes to your Commitment, your former manager may wonder, We rescinded your job offer because we were worried that you’d be a flight risk (defined here). You have a great job already. Please don’t tell me you’re back to renegotiate yet again.
When it comes to your Compatibility, your former manager may wonder, You’re at a competitor. If you’re so willing to just switch loyalties like this, how can I be sure that you won’t do the same thing if you worked for me?
The good news?
You’re at their competitor. So, assuming (A) the company you would have liked to work at actually sees your current company as a respectable peer and (B) you’re in a similar position (and aren’t in what’s seen as a lesser role), your former manager is likely to think, Okay, we questioned your competence (at least in terms of soft skills), but if you’re good enough for this other company that we respect, then you must (still) be good enough for us.
So, what now?
I’d make sure that my every move reaffirms my Three C’s.
The goal when it comes to Competence? To leave your former manager thinking, Oh wow: you’re doing important work and know valuable things that I don’t. (Should I hire you back?)
The goal when it comes to Commitment? To leave your former manager thinking, I know we questioned your loyalty, but you’re not showing any red flags. (Should I reconsider my initial judgments?)
The goal when it comes to Compatibility? To leave your former manager thinking, You’re reminding me of how much I liked you when we worked together. (Maybe we overreacted?)
Practically, here’s what I’d do:
1. Try to find an old email thread where you discussed something positive and substantive (e.g., your farewell thank you email)
2. Reply to that email thread to revive the chain
3. Congratulate them on a recent achievement or announcement they shared on LinkedIn
4. Offer a “gift” that helps them achieve their goals*
You could, for example…
- Offer to introduce them to someone they’d find relevant to network with
- Invite them to speak at an event with a relevant audience
- Share an article, report, podcast, video, or other piece of relevant content
- Give them a chance to be interviewed and quoted in a respectable media source
- Share tickets to a relevant industry event
5. Add a “By the way,” along with an invitation to reconnect if they are open to it
6. Insert something that you appreciate from having worked with them that you’ve kept with you
You could cite, for example…
- A perspective you acquired
- A skill you learned
- An introduction they brokered
- A piece of feedback they gave you
- A story or personal experience they shared
*Don’t have a “gift” to offer? That’s fine! No law of the universe says that you can only talk to someone if you have something to give them. Gratitude (bullet point #6) can often be the most meaningful gift you can offer, especially if you’re detailed and thoughtful (and perhaps even reflective of where you could have improved)!
The hidden goal?
To find an excuse to get back in touch and to use the opportunity to test their willingness to reconnect. If they take up your bid, great! If not, at least you tried your best and can move on.
Let me know how things go!
See you Tuesday for our next story and unspoken rule,
Gorick
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